"Not Your Dream Boy"- Finn MacLaine
When morning came,
I watched the bones of a fawn reclaim their ivory
beneath a golden gun.
It was shaking in its heat, but, sleeping on the trigger.
the softest sun.
I want to be the soften son.
When Oakland escaped me, I watched 4,000 miles
slip under plane--a distance too great to seethe over,
a city too beautiful to weep in.
She told me something is missing for her with girl on girl.
Did she not see me? Geographical, cure me.
break habit of handing my heart over to that
cyclical reiteration of a really bad religious story
nobody wants to hear.
I know I am not your dream boy.
when I was pretty, the world was kinder to me.
But it gets so exhausting wearing costumes to parties
disguised as normal days.
When I was sleepless enough to wake,
my girl started taking up less space.
Her halves were not cut from the same whole, they
were cut from different fabrics.
Blankets torn post-sew--so, so split from childhood.
Caitlin died on Halloween when the second head grew.
I was chopping his hair, coloring him green
started calling him Finn.
He was so reckless.
A pent-up boy trapped in a 20-year old sissy body.
all teenager, blood, and teeth.
pissing in the flower fields, burning the sea.
If you want to know me, go home.
dismember your limbs from frame.
Reassemble your body blindfolded.
Open your eyes----Who are you?
does your body get in the way of that?
In the shower, I am only scrubbing myself
citrus enough to be human.
But, Finn feels like an insatiable phantom limb.
My mother, she tells me
she must have raised me wrong putting me in dresses.
She cries just because it is something to do.
she does not understand why this son
has eclipsed her delicate moon.
Sometimes autumn gets too thick to wrap my arms around.
I fall in love with another straight girl,
just like Mommy said I would.
Not because I want to be disappointed
but because I want to be a good boyfriend--
or maybe because I want to be disappointed.
Just don't touch me.
In Los Angeles the leaves don't fall.
they just sort of build in your gut, filling you before
winter's bite, but not letting you eat too much.
Tastes just like anxiety.
i'll tell you, when your body keeps you from yourself,
the fingertips sort of blister in lemon.
they become too sour to touch anything kindly.
When I love, it is the same familiar love.
desperate, but with necessity to be far away.
Necessity to prove something--keep me busy
at night, i'll be dropped off on the bed I forgot was mine.
Naked and nameless with a gnarled human face.
still too bitter to speak of affection,
still on hold with the wrong God
but the only one who picks up the phone when i'm ringing.
Maybe Finn is much bigger than I am.
maybe I sleep in as many beds as I can
just to make myself sick, searching for a home I never had.
And maybe, my heart is the color of greed.
maybe my body too scrawny.
But for one night, ask me anything you want.
close the curtains on the eyes of your fear-God.
Just don't ask how much is missing.
don't tell me there's no room--i'm still expanding
When morning comes, i'll watch the bones of a Finn
reclaim their ivory beneath a gun.
I'll be shaking in my heat, but sleeping on the trigger.
in that golden glow, I will be the softest son.
I am the softest son.
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"A Coloring Book for You"
by Cedar Thomas
is an 8.5"x5.5" booklet containing 12 coloring pages with affirmations and kind reminders drawn and assembled by Cedar Thomas.
Each booklet is $15, US shipping included
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Get Loud Spotlight: Cedar Thomas
Cedar is a queer, mentally ill, interdisciplinary artist who was born and raise in Minneapolis, MN. Growing up, they enjoyed a variety of creative outlets, imagining their own world with their own rules. After applying to college with a STEM major in mind, they quickly switched to the Arts BFA program upon starting at the University of Minnesota, where they graduated from in May 2020.
Cedar is an interdisciplinary artist with an interest in chaos and the unknown. They find their practice therapeutic and introspective with a goal of connecting with others through personal experiences.
Cedar plans to apply for graduate school to study Art Therapy in the near future.
Artist: Kaiden Wilde
"Despite it all, we breathe out love"
Our first collaborative poetry zine will hold vulnerable and powerful stories of queer experiences, overcoming adversity while living in their truths. Our hope with this zine is to build connections all over and create a piece of hope for our LGBTQIA+ youth and anyone who feels rejected. We see you, we are here with you, you are valid, you are loved.
Our contributors have sent in one poem they feel connects strongly with this zine. Some have chosen to be anonymous and others included a small bio with their social media handles.
---Pre-order a copy today! Zines will be ready to be shipped by the end of August
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